My sins only make me better.

Things have been on a bit of a brighter side.  I have a job, a real job, working in a care home now doubt.

Its all over... all the bullshit for now.

These people that are around me the most, have finally just failed. 

Most of them have crashed and burned so hard.

And now they scramble to me for help.

"I told you so, I warned you, and you didnt fucking listen.... again"

I turn off my cellphone.  I close my instant messengers.

I pick up my pen, and I start to draw.

Turn the music up.

There Failures only benfit me in the end anyways.

and there success are of little impact to me.

Question is why do i even care about these people somedays?

eh.. back to my shitty art work

blah... this are not going as planned in any front of mine.

Art work lack...
Social interactions.. careless
and now this plot.

That DAMN child is still obessed with her, and I feel as though i am obessing over here too.

She is like a drug that i popped into my vein.  His excuse is love, my reason is lust.

Now... Everyone has a weakness and a currency everyone has a goal or agenda.

And mine is simple.  I want that girl, I want her to wrap around me.   His love... is getting in the way.  BUT his lust for Tiffany might be exactly what i need.

Provided that she comes along with this plan of mine.

All she need to do is lead him on long enough for me to win.

Why am i so wicked that i want to use these people as pawns in my game.

Ahhh, yes another day, another dollar.  I sit here with a feel good feeling that i know could shatter or break.  But... not into some sort of negative bomb that I so usually explode. 

It seems that as I get older, I careless about what the other are doing.  I mean I care for the safety and well being.  But if they are to make mistakes and not learn from them, then I rather would save my words, energy, and time.

Things with Rachel are not what they seems anyways.  The girl is still far to unstable for me to have a functioning emotional relationship with.  I have a few girls on the pallet of greed.  All willing to do various things for me, at my beck and call... and yet I don't take up any of these offers, because, there is still a part of me... lust? the want to be loved, or feel love again?  Do I even want to wait and take this chance?  But it still amounts to .. what people would view as sinful.  Greed, lust, pride.... these things come into play.

These things are some of the core thing that motivate my everyday logic, and reason.  My very being.  Yet, my emotions ever so slightly try to tamper with all this. 

But in my core, i do care.  Its just that i have embraced this darkness that is inside of me so much, because of dawn.  That i have put up so many walls that would let in any warmth to heal my heart.

I also have no moral issues with allowing other to ruin there own love for there lustful intentions. Taken, married, and dating are all words that mean nothing more to me then a small hurtle for me to jump over to get to my conquest.  

Little more then a little mission for one of my primal objectives in life. 

The only thing that i have notice about all these actions of mine, is that I am always trying to keep some sort of balance or peace between everyone, and all partys for the sake of not having to deal, with the day to day drama they all try to create for themselfs, these friends of mine.

The things that matter aside from those primal feelings. 

Kyira, and her book.  Tiff and her drawings, john and his music, christen and his creativeness.

It seems that the very thing that holds everyone sanity together is the very thing that holds me together.  Creative talents.  The ablitys to use a pen, or write a paper, or make a device or insterment sing with tears, joy, sorrow, excitement.  What ever the reason, what ever the media, what ever it may be.  Its art that drives most of us.

I have been starting to think that this might be the thing that could start turn me back into a.. more bright self. 

and... for the most part it is. 

Its just the core of the things i have been dealt in my life, have... effected me so much that art is the only thing that make me hopeful.... even creativeness itself.  because in chaos i have found nothing.   But order, creativeness ... it is joy.. it is happyness.  My selfishness does give way to honoring those of creativeness, and positive comments.  And more so happy, and peaceful well being.

it seems this place is my only safe haven to type what i wish.  All other social medians have become congested with crap and filth.  Applications, games, and useless information that other try to us against me in some manner or another. 

These people are slowly making me sick.  Let me explain what is events have passed over the many weeks.

Since last posting, my grandmother had died.  The person I held with the most respect and regaurds, the person that listened to all my troubles, my rants, and my feelings.   Gone.  That was the most emotional I have been since dawn left me. 

I havent shut down though.  You would think with these event happening that I would have had some sort of emotional implosion causing me to... be nothing more then an empty shell of a human being.  But this is not the case.  I took this all with a gain of salt, she left me some money.  I got a new computer.  I have started working on art.  

Not exactly the best of art but it helping me sort of my mind from all this chaos that bounces around it like Stars orbiting a black hole colliding into one another.

Now that is it for event from long past.  if a few months are long ago.

But now, I am watching myself mutate, evolve and even self destruct in front of my eyes.  Each person case is different.... and i am indifferent about each case with the exception of one.   Rachel.

She is this girl I met, she is one of my friend's ex g/f.   And she is slightly unstable.  But i have no problems with that.  This block of a heart i have that slowly beats in venom through out turned ever so slightly warm at the thought of her.  This.. woman.. i want to give my heart to?

BUT there are so many issues with all of this.  She has a meltdown every so often. Christen has been avoiding her (her ex boyfriend is christen BTW) and I fear that my feelings for her might being about the end of a friendship of years past.  But for what ever reason i don't concern myself with this.  I see the end results of all this... and see the doom like future of it.  and i haven't had the slightest care in the world.

On a completely logical out look of all this I think to myself that i must be insane to want to go and put these actions into motion.   At the same time, I see Rachel slowly pushing me away... and then pulling me back in.

Eh.. what a complicated set of events.   The cold part of me doesnt care one bit about this, the greedy part of me wants the girls, the logical part of me thinks i am insane, and the emotional part of me, just doesnt want to be alone.  i am amazed i havent developed a split personallity because of all of this.  And .. based off of common knowledge physiology I really should have 4 conflicting few on this.  Only three. id, ego, and super ego.  Which leads me to think that my relative thinking has been too damn complicated and that i should do what best interests me. 

Either way.. only time is gonna tell what comes out of all this.

Its these haunting memorys, dreams, they come in the night, as i sleep, as i rest.

They infect me, with dispair, hatred, sadness, and lonelyness.

I feel as though i am slipping back into my days as a child, well more as a teenager.  Where nothing it in my control.  Everything slowly melts around me, into puddles of apathy.

There are very few things I care about anymore.  Grandma is dead, Dawn is a bitch and ruined my live.  Dad is getting way more fucked up then ever.... and jay and Dez are completely out of control.

Everything is out of control and out of my hands.

At least the cat and zada are two beings of warm happyness I can enjoy being around.  Aside from my friends.  It looks as though, i can only go through with my plans to better myself, and leave most of these people Behind.

School soon, and hopefully all comes with it...

Although i wouldnt mind getting in contact with some worth while people that have gone off the radar on me.

Fun people...

I am back in PA.  Broke up with dawn, and want nothing to do with that relationship again

Now, I am back to my old self.  Thank god, I was tired of.... acting.

Cant believe i let myself get.... schooled like this.

But live and let live.  Its all back to greed

I find it to be increasingly amusing to see all this political bullshit flying across my screen.  Well to say the more negitive then the positive things.   The things that amount to nothing but a high school full of children speading rumors among each other because they don't like a person.  The media is in some sort of fight with obama to discredit his every waking moment.  To me this is more insulting because he is the type of person I wouldn't mind being. 

The fact that the man doesn't take any money for lobbist is a good thing, that means there is no one there to "call the shots".  He isn't obligated to anyone or any entitiy.  The fact that what he does is under the microscope.  LEAVE THE MAN THE FUCK ALONE already. 

He isn't a a jihader, he isn't a terrorist, and the fact that he might have had a back round in islasm means one thing.  He knows how to deal with these crazy people in the middle east better then anyone else in my eyes.  You know what his plan is.  Leave those crazy people the fuck alone, and protect us. 

Oh yes, of course there is gonna be some group with a major bug up there ass about the US.  Well now more then every, what about half the world at this point. 

And thats another thing, there isn't a place we can go outside of this country other then Mexico and Canada that we can go to.  The only reason we can go to those countrys is cause they put up with our asses everyday, and we basicly own Mexico.

Now off to the little things in life.  Califorina, not a bad state.   A bad state to come to if you weren't really propard for it.  So me and dawn have been having a bad ass time finding our own place, or hell a room for rent.  But I am sure we'll figure it out. 

People out here.... that a whole other thing.

Well the hell with this.. i am off to bed soon. 

I can not wait. The day comes closer and closer.  Its Been along long time since i have seen the internet, I have avoided it.  I mean i am always someone connected to it.  But my computer at home is toast. 

 

Not that i care.

 

I have a car, and i have had some for some time.

 

If anyone wants to get a hold of me

vashthevicious [at] tmail [dot] com

219.5715

 

you should already know the area code.

 

Well as all things in this world, things stop and restart as part of a process. 

Interesting enough, myspace is down, and i wanted to blog baddly, so i said to myself, holy shit.  I can use mindsay.  Woo.

Anyways, I had this horrible panic attack today.  It was by far the worst thing that ever happen to me.  My brother made a very large blunt.  So me and him tried to smoke it.  I ended up freaking out.  Sitting front of my house with the house door open laying in the middle of the landing freaking out.  I had pain, I was panic'ed.  All the classic signs of your everyday run of the mill panic attacks.  Lmao, everytime i go through one of those I always feel really good.  But its hell i got to go through first.

Such is life.

So a little news that i have heard, spike might be working in my store for inventory.   That will be awesome.

Aside from that i am up way to late again.  and i have work at a later but early part of this day.

I am so out of here....